Snacking

3.25.02

I'm eating dry puffed corn cereal with nutritional yeast and sea salt sprinkled over it. With no fat or moisture of any kind to hold them, the nutritional yeast and salt fall right off the dry puffed corn, to the bottom of the aluminum bowl.

From that position, they mock me.

I am a woman of medium build. I have recently lost twenty-five-almost thirty-pounds.

I have not achieved this through dieting or strenuous exercise. Instead, I gradually changed my eating habits over a number of months, cutting out between-meal snacks, eating more whole grains and vegetables, avoiding processed foods, and limiting my fat and salt intake.

I am still working on exercising more regularly, but I have made progress in that area.

I have achieved what I hope will be sustainable weight loss.

But right now, being "good," eating "right," and taking "care" seem to be plummeting ever lower on my list of priorities.

I want bad food!

I want to eat chips fried in fat, coated with salt, MSG, and whey solids; preserved with polysorbate 80. I don't care that it doesn't actually taste that good.

The blue and red flavor crystals bewitch my mind, promising so much delicious and sinful flavor. I want to take a bath in fine Swiss chocolate, roll around in crushed hazelnuts, and eat - with my fingers - a whole bucket of crispy, fried chicken.

Yesterday I broke down. I went grocery shopping with my dear, wonderful husband, whom I love to pieces, but who is not the best person to have around when you need to exercise will power.

I rationalized that it was okay for the first day of my period, and ate chocolate truffle Easter eggs and Girl Scout Thin Mints.

Today at work, I broke the no-between-meal-snacks rule to eat a half a doughnut: half of a wonderfully rich, chocolate-frosted long john.

When I got home from work, I tried to restrain myself, but ate some of the chips that my husband picked out yesterday at the store.

Then, in a moment of lukewarm self-discipline, I decided that I would at least try to snack on something less bad for me. I mean, if I'm going to color outside the lines of healthy eating, I can at least try to control the degree, right?

So here I am, with my bowl of dry puffed corn, and the attempt at flavoring that it so easily shed.

I lick my index finger, press it to the bottom of the bowl to pick up the nutritional yeast and sea salt, then use the same finger to pick up a kernel of corn.

As I eat the corn, I attempt to lick the salty mixture off my finger, and create the faintest illusion of eating something fried, coated, and unhealthy.

What I taste is the low-fat disappointment of compromise.

Personal musings:

Wilderness: Dreams of living in the wild persist and change.

All grown up: At 12 I looked like I was 20, at 24 I looked 15.

Altruism: Can you ever repay the kindness of a stranger?

Photos in a box: A package from my brother turned my memories of childhood upside down.

Short story long: How to lengthen a narrative in a few easy steps.

Writing: Going the distance to find things to write about.

Neighbors: An amazing account of urban generosity.

Snacking: The angst of a healthy diet.

Thoughts on spiritual matters:

Subway preachers: Transcendence on the Red Line.

Thoughts in the Kingdom: How do you keep your mind in heaven and your heart in the world?

After September 11: Response to an attack on a mosque in Bridgeview, Ill., on September 12.