More changes.
It's been so long since I published anything here. My email access got screwed up and it's kept me off the Internet entirely except when I can use someone else's computer. After two years of dialogue with people through this site, my inability to publish is making me crazy.
But I have to write something and store it for whenever my computer can go online again.
This has been quite a week.
On Monday I went to see a naturopath and medical intuitive whom I've known for years and trust. I wanted to ask Julie about my and Paula's general health and immunity, and when I should think about conceiving again, After spending two gorgeous spring weeks in Atlanta reading my mom's home-birth books, thoughts of conception had installed themselves firmly in my brain,
Here's the rundown: Julie said Paula and I both have intestinal parasites that can be treated with an herbal medicine available at health food stores. She said Paula is highly intelligent and musically talented. She said I have given Paula everything I have - in terms of physical reserves and emotional investment - over the last year and a half. She said I have about two months left to nurse her before it begins to have a very adverse effect on my health. I have decided to take her advice.
You ask, why should I pay attention to this one person's opinion? The whole reason I went to see her is because I prefer to see a health care practitioner who can treat me based on my specific health. Western doctors diagnose, prognosticate and treat illnesses largely on the basis of statistics: if you have x, y, and z symptoms and you fall within the statistical norm of people with those symptoms, you will respond positively to n medication or treatment.
But as I learned during my pregnancy, statistics don't apply to me, or to you, for that matter. I'm only one data point, a sample size of one: statistically insignificant. There is no guarantee that I or anyone else falls one standard deviation away from the mean of people with some symptom. How does the doctor know if I'm living my life on the edge of the bell curve? She doesn't.
So I go to doctors who don't deal with me as a statistic, but as an individual. They read my individual symptoms and use other diagnostic methods at their command and construct a picture - and treatment - that is unique to me.
My former Chinese doctor, CJ, was like this. On top of being a very skilled and highly trained Chinese traditional herbal doctor, he goes about his work with a spirit of service and sense of humility that is as rare as hen's teeth and more precious as gold. I trusted him implicitly, but he told me my body was so depleted from a hard pregnancy that I should not nurse past six months. This felt so wrong to me that I ended my relationship with him, in spite of all the ways he had helped me in the past.
So Julie was my second opinion. In essence she echoed CJ's advice.
Needless to say, I am grieving. Nursing has been one of the few sure things in my relationship with Paula. It has calmed both of us when her emotions were chaotic, reconnected us at the end of long and active days, brought us both rest and reassurance. It has truly benefited both of us. I feel like I need it almost as much as Paula does.
On top of that, even though Paula is 17 months old today, in my family extended nursing is the norm. My sister tandem nursed Ashley and Brandon until Ashley was 4 and Brandon was 3. My sister-in-law nursed her oldest until she was six years old, at one time that meant she was tandem nursing all three of her daughters. Nursing 18 months or so is just not a long time in my family. I expected to nurse until Paula and I could calmly talk about weaning.
Instead it's just going to be a couple of months more. This is so hard for me to contemplate, but I feel like it's something I have to do.
And that was just on Monday.
Yesterday we had a visit from a state-wide agency called Early Intervention. It provides assessment and therapy for children aged 0-3 who are at least 30 percent delayed in some developmental aspect. I had contacted them about getting Paula assessed for speech delays. I've been worried about these issues for months but gotten no help from our doctors. When I heard about Early Intervention - where you can go directly to them and don't need a doctor or insurance company to okay it - I jumped on it.
I must admit, after everyone reassured me that Paula is "fine," I expected that she would not qualify for the program. That she would be a little behind in speech, but nothing like 30 percent delayed. Yesterday we met with a speech therapist and social worker, and determined that she would also need to be evaluated by physical and occupational therapists. I'll know more once those evaluations are complete. But actually, she does qualify for services in the program.
The good news about this program is that Paula will be getting help. I know she is intelligent, I know she's "all there." But I also know she has needs I don't know how to meet. The women I met with told me I will also be eligible for support services like support groups, respite care, or meeting with a social worker, among others. This is a relief.
So my feeling about it is, well, numb. I am shocked to hear that Paula's delays are more than I suspected - or maybe as bad as I suspected, but worse than I'd hoped. But the prospect of getting real help - after so many months of feeling like I was just barely keeping my head above water - is almost equally stunning.
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