Juliet Martinez

01 Aug 2003

01 Jul 2003

01 Jun 2003

Thu, Jul 31 2003

Being pregnant

Today I turn 12 weeks pregnant, so I'm not sure if this is the beginning of the second trimester or the end of the first. It reminds me of that quote from Winston Churchill, "This is not the end, it is not even the beginning of the end. But it is the end of the beginning."

The last few days I've been very hormonal. I yelled at our loan officer on Tuesday - I really let loose. It wasn't good, considering that we want her to be on our side. Yesterday when I felt the tears and anxiety come on in late afternoon I decided to get very cozy on the sofa with Birthing from Within and do some reading. I ended up spending about four hours (not counting breaks to cook and eat dinner) intermittently reading, writing and drawing, and exhausted a stack of hankies in the process. It was a much better way to spend my weepy hours than yelling at a banker on the phone.

I'm getting into the habit of watching A Baby Story on The Learning Channel in the morning. The very medicalized births always depress me, and the natural births make me feel great (and cry). I was watching an episode today in which this woman had an all-natural birth even though she had to be induced, something I understand is rather challenging given the constraints of having an IV and a fetal monitor on. The hospital staff actually let this woman walk around with her IV, to help her labor progress. As I was admiring how she was sticking to her birth plan even with the IV, I realized she was wearing an awful hospital gown. Will I have to wear one of those? What if I bring my own gown? These are things I have to check on. I also want to walk during labor, but not with my butt hanging out.

One thing I picked up from reading Birthing from Within is that I really need to be eating more protein. The book does not take what I would call an alarmist tone, but simply explains how important protein is for the baby's growth. So I may need to branch out beyond my current protein options of free-range eggs and organic millet and bulgur. I know it doesn't sound like much, but 1/4 cup each of millet and bulgur together has more protein than an egg. And so much fiber! But I still need more protein, and beans, tofu, meat and fish all turn me off these days. And I don't do dairy. What do I do?

One option I'm going to look into is free range meat and poultry. After driving through America's heartland this summer and passing (and smelling) a number of feedlots, my previously mild distaste for conventionally grown beef has ballooned into a wholehearted aversion. I feel very strongly that the life cows live on those feedlots are inhumane and unjust. They are fed food that makes them sick, medicated to a poor semblance of wellness and forced to stand cheek-by-jowl with hundreds of other cattle, ankle-deep in their waste. I had read about this before, but the smell really drives it home.

We also drove past herds of cattle grazing in open fields. These creatures were eating the food nature designed them to eat - grass - lounging in soft beds made of their perfect nourishment, and nuzzling their young. Over and over when we passed herds of grazing cattle, I told Joel, "Now that's how cows are supposed to live." I realize that unfortunately most of those cattle will end up on the feedlot, but if I'm going to eat meat (or chicken), I would rather it come from an animal who lived a pleasant life. I don't want to be part of another creature's suffering. Except the occasional loan officer.

(As a sidenote, I had an interesting conversation with my Aunt Kathleen while we were in Grand Junction. She narrowly survived an aggressive form of leukemia a number of years ago and now is a therapist who volunteers counselling with terminally ill people. She commented to me that people don't realize how lucky the person is who dies unexpectedly while sitting in his favorite chair. A short and painless death, she said, is a true gift. I thought about this while passing the cattle in pastures and feed lots. These animals who are raised for food will be killed (if not fattened) in a quite humane way. They don't know death is coming, then they're dead. I think it's probably less painful and causes less suffering than being mauled by a predator or dying painfully of a drawn-out disease.)

So today, to celebrate my 12-week mile marker, I'm going to look up some farms in northern Illinois that raise range-fed cattle and chicken. I want to go visit some of them soon, and possibly purchase meat there. I want to see the places with my own eyes and decide if this is a good course of action. Until then, I've just finished two bowls of millet-bulgur-peach hot cereal, and I'll be eating eggs for lunch.
by Juliet Email me!

Wed, Jul 30 2003

I'm proud to call them my friends...

When I read the news about poverty, suffering and environmental devastation around the world, I always wish I could be "out there" doing something about it. Well, these friends of mine are living the dream and I thought you'd like to know about them, too.

*My friend Kathryn Lucatelli works with a great organization in Cambodia called Digital Divide Data. DDD trains and employs Cambodians in computer skills and English, pays an above average wage and provides benefits like health coverage. A lot of the people who Kathryn works with are disabled - some are land mine victims - others are women who were forced into prostitution and are now trying to get out of it.

Kathryn got in touch to let me know that DDD is celebrating its second anniversary with plans to branch out of Phnom Penh and expand its mission of providing "opportunities for some of the world's poorest citizens to create better futures for themselves through employment and education." She knows I'm a big fan of DDD and is nice enough to keep me in the loop.

*Kathryn's dad, Frank Lucatelli, is also working to make people's lives better through helping understand themselves better. He has developed an amazing tool for personality analysis called the Natural Styles Matrix. This tool helps people identify their unique strengths and weaknesses, including the natural energy cycles that make some people night owls, for example, and others "morning people." In a recent email Frank explained to me how depression relates to these energy cycles:

"Consider the harm being done to individuals who suffer from depression, when the cause of their depression is a misinterpretation of natural ups and downs of energy in their life. They think that the ups and downs are a sign of illness and then treat the ups and downs with drugs to mask naturally occurring cycles. What should be happening instead is that the cycles need to be accepted and not worried about. Because they are cycles, they come and they go. People get depressed because they aren't sure that they will go once they arrive, and psychiatrists aren't even thinking about cycles.

"I'm off on this tangent because a friend of my cousin in Italy was roped into a matrix analysis by my cousin. ... I had no information about him prior to the analysis. I discovered from the matrix that he had very high and low cyclic periods, a condition that often results in depression from a misinterpretation of the experience. I learned then that he had been in treatment for depression for years. Based upon the matrix results, I predicted to my cousin, not her friend, when the next low period would begin, which occurred while I was still in Italy. It happened just as I predicted like clockwork."

A link to a report on Frank's work with students who had trouble in school is here. If you are interested in getting more information on the Natural Styles Matrix, email Frank.

*My old friend Fritz Affolter was just a hippie transient making his way through the Americas when we met him in a restaurant in Livingston, Guatemala back in 1987. He became our adopted brother and son, then returned to his home in Germany to go to college. He got into international development studies and now...

"Fritz took up a position with UNHabitat in Kabul in January of 2003 as a Community Mobilization Training Advisor, in charge of designing, monitoring and evaluating community mobilization training for the National Solidarity Program in five Afghan provinces.

"The National Solidarity Program (NSP) was established by the Government of Afghanistan to develop the ability of Afghan communities to identify, plan, manage and monitor their own reconstruction and development projects. NSP promotes a new development paradigm whereby communities are empowered to make decisions and control resources during all states of the project cycle."

Fritz has also studied and worked at Universidad Nur, a Baha'i university in Bolivia with a strong socio-economic development mission.

*To picture Austin Bowden-Kirby, just imagine Robin Williams, but much, much smarter. Austin is a coral reef ecologist who runs a reef restoration project called the Coral Gardens Initiative in Fiji. In addition to being a walking encyclopedia of biological knowledge, he can advise you on how to weather a political coup, like the one in Fiji a couple of years ago (the gist of his advice: release all tension by chopping wood).

I had the pleasure of meeting him and his family in Puerto Rico, where he did some of his PhD work and became friends with my parents, who also live in PR. I got this email from my mom today, with a note from Austin on a program that will feature his work.

He writes, "I am interviewed a few times on an upcoming BBC TV program, about bringing life back to dead coral reefs. This shows the project that Brad Pokony recently did a story on, for in the last issue of One Country magazine. The program, Earth Report: "Waibulabula -Living Waters" will be shown globally on on Monday 11th August at 5:30 PM and again at 9:30 PM Eastern Time. What it actually shows, is a half-hour film that the Asia Development Bank produced on our coral reef project last year. It also interviews many of our staff and the wonderful Fijian villagers that we work with, and shows the project site. You can reconfirm the time or check another time zone by visiting the listings at BBC World."

I hope these people inspire you as much as they do me!

P.S. I just got the book Birthing from Within, by Pam England and Rob Horowitz, from my mom and am loving it. I'm also reading Sophie's World, by Jostein Gaarder, which I received as a graduation gift from my friend Katrin.
by Juliet Email me!

Mon, Jul 28 2003

Sometimes you just have to go back to bed.

Today started out really nicely. Joel and I got up around ten and ate what was for him a late breakfast and for me an early lunch at Tortilleria El Milagro in Pilsen. Their philosophy is that any delicious guiso (stew) or other Mexican entree can be improved on by adding rice, beans and cabbage slaw and making it into a taco. I have to say that at least in their case, I wholeheartedly agree.

After eating, we headed to McKinley Park, that hidden gem of Chicago's park system, located on the near south-west side. I had finally convinced Joel to take a walk with me there. The copious rain we've had this summer has made the greenery lush and the weather cool - perfect for a leisurely walk. Joel doesn't quite understand my love of a nice walk, but is starting to understand that it is for me what a quiet evening watching TV is for him.

Lovely day, right? Well, then we found out about the appraisal. You remember the appraisal we've been waiting for on this house we want to buy? The one where the bank decides whether or not the house is worth the loan we're requesting for it? That one. The appraisal came back valuing the house at - are you sitting down? - over $30,000 under our agreed-on purchase price. Holy cow.

As Joel and I did our best to shake off the shock, our agent got to work trying to find arguments for the appraiser to raise the appraisal, and our attorney got to work guarding our down payment (which we've already paid).

I decided to go back to bed. I was not devastated, just stunned. I actually feel like no matter what, this is going to lead to something better for us. Either we'll get a much better price on the house or we'll get a different, but much better house. Because if this house isn't for us then it's not for us, and there's nothing we can do about it.

Okay, that sounds fatalistic, I know. I guess I am trying to adopt a semi-fatalistic attitude about life. It's only part fatalistic because as you probably know, I am a big believer in making life happen. I set goals and pursue them relentlessly, I get involved (wisely or not), and I tend to be something of a do-gooder and control freak. But I'm trying to cultivate a counterbalance to these qualities, an attitude of acceptance for those things outside my personal control. I mean, Joel and I (and our agent and lawyer) have done everything humanly possible to make this deal come together on the house. So what good would it do to be crushed by this kind of setback? None whatsoever - not for me and definitely not for the watermelon seed growing inside me.

Instead of freaking out, I choose to believe that somewhere out there our house is waiting. It is a good, solid, safe house which we can fill up with love, family and a rising tide of dog hair. It is located in a neighborhood that will offer us opportunities for friendship, recreation and good produce; when we sell it, we will get a good return on our investment. The house exists, we just haven't found it yet. Why choose to believe anything else? Getting discouraged just doesn't move things forward.

I mentioned that I went back to bed, right? Well, I read for a little, then fell asleep. I dreamt that I witnessed a plane crash that turned into a train wreck (what's the connection?). No one was injured, but the plane/train was destroyed. Somehow, though, as the dream ended I was walking away holding the hand of a beautiful brown-eyed toddler, and carrying a new little baby who came back to me after I had given him up for adoption. We drove away through the snow in a Subaru Outback.
by Juliet Email me!

Sat, Jul 26 2003

Just when I needed a laugh

My very dear same-age cousin Lloyd sent me this collection of cynical wisdom. Thanks, Lloyd - I laughed out loud.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I

may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the ass...then things get worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them...
by Juliet Email me!

Update on the house - I don't think this is a good sign

I haven't been giving regular updates on the house situation because it's been so freaking stressful that when writing I have preferred to push it out of my mind. This is the low down: As some of you may know, the seller of the house we're trying to buy has been super accommodating and agreed to make the repairs we asked him. After that it was just a question of giving him a final loan commitment - you know, one that showed that we were credit-worthy and the bank was satisfied as to the value of the house. The bank approved our credit, which we thought meant we had the loan, but there was a hitch: The appraisal still hadn't been done.

We paid for and ordered the appraisal in June, so we didn't know what the holdup was, but as the closing date (originally July 29th, now the 31st) drew nearer, the nervous phone calls to the bank began, then became a daily habit. Our lawyer was calling, we were calling, our agent was calling. Finally, on Thursday our agent told us he had found out that the appraisal was scheduled for Friday. That's yesterday.

As we were freaking out about not having our final loan commitment (due to the lack of the appraisal), the seller apparently was also freaking out because he couldn't go find an apartment for his family to move into since he wasn't sure we would close. We weren't so confident about it either. Hence the house not packed up, moving friends not called and utilities not cut off.

But the light seemed to shine at the end of the tunnel: the appraisal would happen Friday and all would be okey-dokey. But IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Yesterday afternoon we got the call telling us that the appraiser went to the house and no one was there. The seller's agent swore she had told the seller about the appraisal and to make sure someone was there to open the door. The seller's attorney said he had also contacted the seller about it. The seller definitely knew about the appraisal, and yet, for a reason we don't know, wasn't there to allow it to happen.

It just doesn't seem like a good sign. I sat on my sofa yesterday afternoon waiting for the phone to ring with some kind of news, either explanatory or other. I prayed, as much to calm myself as to pass the time, and the phone remained silent. I'm getting closer to a conviction that prayer is something that helps me be at peace with the world, not a tool to make the world reflect my wishes. Because let me tell you that this situation is not reflecting my wishes, but there's really nothing I can do about it but accept it and move forward.

My mom told me on the phone last night that she's never seen anyone have worse luck finding a house than Joel and I have had. Our real estate agent has voiced this sentiment a million times. Even our lawyer feels sorry for us. But there's nothing to do but press onward.

I'm psychologically prepared for the purchase of this house to fail. But I'm hopeful that we will find some house. I mean, we have the credit, the savings, the income, the need. It's got to come together sooner or later. And who knows? Maybe when all is said and done, we'll have gotten a house in the neighborhood we really like (McKinley Park), and we'll be pleased as punch that we didn't end up buying that other place.

Please think good thoughts, keep your fingers crossed, visualize or pray that we'll end up in a house that's right for us, and that we'll be at peace with the process of getting there.
by Juliet Email me!

Tue, Jul 22 2003

Where is it written?

My friend Shawn has a new Web site called Where Is It Written?. It is a collage of "sayings, ads, people, and music from popular culture" that he feels are worth sharing. Check it out!

Shawn and I met on our very first day at Lake Forest College, sitting next to each other at the Matriculation Ceremony held for all incoming freshmen. Neither of us knew what matriculation meant, and the impassioned mathematical and philosophical ideas put forth by the keynote speaker were a magnet for our sarcastic comments. So Shawn and I wisecracked about the speaker and made ourselves feel smarter than we were. Ah, good times.

Almost 15 years later, Shawn and I are still cracking each other up and maybe even helping each other be smarter. He is the one friend who has known me at every turn of my contorted journey through young adulthood. We have navigated all sorts of life changes together and helped each other make our lives better.

I hope you will visit his fledgling site and I hope you enjoy his sometimes deep, sometimes funny, always thoughtful take on things. I don't know if his email address is on the site, but I'm going to go out on a limb and provide it here. BTW, the picture in the top left corner is of him.
by Juliet Email me!

Tue, Jul 15 2003

Photo delay Sorry I haven't posted photos from the trip - too busy trying to get a home loan, eat right, take naps, unpack and get Joel repacked for his trip with Sones de Mexicothis weekend. The upside (I hope) is that this Friday we should know if we're approved for the home loan!
by Juliet Email me!

Getting along...

One of the highly-anticipated stops along our route to Grand Junction was a visit with my 11-year-old niece Claire and her mom, Claudia, in Denver. We left our overnight stop in Lincoln, Neb., around nine in the morning and got to Denver around four in the afternoon. We decided to find a hotel later that night, after seeing Claire - in order of our priorities.

When we got to Claudia and Claire's house it was the first time I had seen Claudia since long before she and my brother split up. But instead of feeling awkward, it was terrific to see her. She is still the warm and open-hearted person I remember.

We chatted about my pregnancy and bonded about our shared birthday. After Joel's and my dinner with Claire (and the relaxingly aimless mall tour she took us on), Claudia invited us to stay over with them instead of going to a hotel. Claudia even gave up her bed and she and Claire had a "slumber party" on the floor of the living room. In the morning we caught up on life over scrambled eggs and toast before Joel and I took off for GJ.

This happy reunion post-divorce became something of a theme during our trip. When we got to Grand Junction, we met my Uncle Russ' girlfriend, Karen, and immediately loved her. The second night of our stay, Russ and Karen invited everyone over to their house for dinner. My Aunt Patty, Russ' second wife, and her daughter, Ashley, came over with Ashley's new baby and husband. My same-age cousin, Lloyd, came, too. Patty and Karen greeted each other with hugs and kisses, and I heard them say goodbye that night with a sisterly "Love you."

My Aunt Kathleen, Lloyd's mom and Russ' first wife, couldn't make it, but when I talked to her later, she told me how much she likes Karen. Russ said Kathleen even warned him when he began dating Karen, saying, "Now don't you mess this up!"

This level of friendship between the current girlfriend and former wives made me feel like Alice in Wonderland at first. I mean, don't all divorces lead to one miserable destination? I thought divorced people go straight to the Jerry Springer level when their marriages break up. They become bitter, jealous and resentful, poisoning the minds of their children and friends against their ex-spouse. Isn't that the harsh reality?

When I watch movies or television that show amicable relationships between divorced parents, I usually think this is an unrealistic, even naive portrayal. Because everybody knows that it's really the other way around, right?

I guess I'm the one who's naive. Maybe I got my one-sided impression from growing up with friends whose parents were divorced and all I heard about it was the complaints about neglected child support and younger second wives. However I got that impression, my visit with Claudia and my stay with my Uncle Russ opened my eyes to a different possible outcome.

This is probably the first time that I have interacted as an adult with divorced adults in my family. Sure, my uncle and aunts are still my elders, but I got to see them not as a child sees grown-ups, but as an adult sees other adults. I came away with a deep appreciation for these particular grown-ups and the love and maturity that still guides their relationships, even though the marriages didn't make it.

It still goes without saying that divorce remains a last resort, something I think I am correct in seeing as a painful and undesirable event that can damage lives. But the pain doesn't have to keep giving over years of hurt feelings. Being reunited with Claudia, my uncle and my aunts has given me new respect for them and people like them who keep alive their love for their former spouse or in-laws after the marriage that initially joined them has died.
by Juliet Email me!

Mon, Jul 14 2003

Pit-a-pat

In the midst of scrambling to get everything to the bank so we can get our home loan, today Joel and I got to hear one of the most beautiful sounds we have ever heard: our little baby's heartbeat.

We arrived on time to my first pre-natal appointment, and of course nothing proceeded according to plan. I had to call my insurance, then it turned out the visits were backed up. I was anxious enough just sitting there in the office of the midwives who will deliver our baby. All those pregnant women and babies and worn out toys - I couldn't help but wonder if I was in the right place. Is this me now?

Inside the exam room, Joel and I had to wait for a long time before anyone came in. We were both sleepy from a night full of anxiety dreams about our loan, and Joel made me laugh by suggesting that we lay down on the exam table and floor and just sleep till the midwife came. When the midwife finally got there, she asked me a few standard health history questions and got down to the good part.

The electronic stethoscope the midwife pressed against my abdomen mostly amplified the sound of my blood flow, "through, through, through." Then after searching a while, the sound appeared. Fading in and out underneath my pulse and the background noise was a little deep-toned percussion, a woodpecker's distant rat-tat-tat inside me. I heard it briefly, then it came back. Joel put his ear to the speaker and we looked at each other blushing with tears and goosebumps.

Even though everything in my body has told me I am pregnant - the hunger, fatigue, mercifully occasional nausea - I have still found myself wondering about the little watermelon seed growing inside me. With so little actual communication from it, I've wondered if this is all a strange illusion. I mean, aside from a positive pregnancy test, the evidence has been largely circumstantial, until now. Now I feel more of the reality of the little seed, and I think about the little rat-tat-tat and I know my baby is really, really there. Hello, little baby.

Tomorrow: Vacation stories
by Juliet Email me!

Sat, Jul 12 2003

Guess who's back...

I'm back! Joel and I got in last night after a very long two days of driving from Grand Junction, Colo. My cousin Lloyd convinced us to take a long and very scenic detour over Independence Pass. While we loved the drive, it added at least five hours to the trip. But the rental car got back by noon today, so we consider our detour well spent.

I'm not going to give a blow-by-blow account of our trip, though who doesn't love to read this: "And then we visited Aunt Marion, and then we drove to the cabin, and then we unpacked, and then we applied mosquito repellent." There will be none of that.

But I will say that Western Colorado's deserts and and flat-topped mountains are still at least as beautiful as I remember them. I loved seeing my relatives, especially meeting my Uncle Russ' girlfriend Karen, who is as smart, tough and good-hearted as they come. She has helped to bring out a sweet and loving side of my uncle that I hadn't really seen before. We slept under the stars at Karen's family cabin, visited beautiful Ouray, Colo., and enjoyed two lovely days by ourselves at my family's cabin.

Over the next few days I will post some of the things that I thought about on our trip.

But now I want to divulge the big news that I have waited until now to publish. I'm eight weeks pregnant!

Joel and I wanted to tell our families before anyone else, hence the delay. But over the next, um, seven months I'm sure you'll be hearing a lot about this new experience of my mammalian life! I have my first prenatal doctor's appointment on Monday, and I'm due in mid-February. It's not that I don't have an exact due date, just that I figure it's more of a guideline than a rule.

All right, that's it for now but there will be plenty more later. I have to dink around with our new digital camera and software, then you'll see some of the pictures from the trip, too!
by Juliet Email me!

Posted at:Fri, Aug 01 2003 12:19:40 AM